bearing the conquences. i miss the good old days. knowing it'll never be the same.

unaccepted.

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curtains down, lights off, snapped back to reality!
reminiscing studio with ck and the chirpy gang. but everyone was silent. some breathless.
"i think u guys will feel it", ck. everyone still silent. "so do u guys feel the it, the emptiness inside", "it's natural, guys you all will have to learn to deal with it", "it's going to be like this for the next four years", ck. ( goes on encouraging us to quit archi )

anw i have to agree with ck. felt it then, i feel it now. but i know it is more then just design! time. friends, mates. familiar faces, familiar place. culture. food. work.

lost.

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a silent afinity is growing btwen us
moments i hope they not last
words cant describe how i feel
if only i could speak to ur heart

insufferable.

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I lost my DS trainer X. =(.. such an irresponsible owner.
I finally picked up my lazybums, went back to studio last week to check out my stuffs.
most things were still rather intact apart from the slight shifting of the tables.. i was actually quite relieved.. Soo i went to look for my DS since my main purpose of returning was to fetch it back!!.. At first, i thought it is not unusual that i couldnt find it at where i left it, since i always have the habit of leaving things all over the place and then couldnt find them for a while.. I didnt care and happily went on to the next few studios that had been "littered" by me, to hunt for it.. But still i couldnt it !!!!!
Anyway i wasnt surprise that my DS was taken away.. just very disappointed in myself cos i did not bother about my stuffs in studio for so long and took things for granted..

i've always taken very good care of my DS ever since i got it.. i've never use it for walking.. i still remember i bought it soon after it's made available.. and i was so proud to own it before the others.. if i've known, i would have abused it and make it so wornout and unwearable by then!!!

It had took me alot of courage and thinking to finally write you this letter. I hope you could patiently read and hear out what I have to say...

As i start to pen down these little thoughts of mine, momories we have shared over the past three years are flowing through my head so vividly. The times you so patiently tolerated me when i threw my tantrums, the time you selflessly sacrificed for me, the time you made me feel so loved,s o treasured and all the times in-between when nothing much was happening.. thanks for standing by. I am grateful, from the bottom of my heart...

But as i grew older, i begin to have different expectations about life, about my partner - my soulmate. I begin to expect more than just love alone from a relationship, from ours. I thought I could accept the difference we have in thinking, communicating and expectations we have of life but i was wrong. And in the midst of me sometimes selfishly trying to impose my standards on you, i have caused frustrations and have put strains on the both of us....

I really dont want to be unfair to you, to ask you of some things you could never do or someone you could never become. you are uniquely you and someone will love you for that. But i'm sorry i could not be that someone anymore. maybe in the future, you might become the one i want. but i couldnt possibily rish it. i want o start living life, start feeling life again. i want to be free and feel and see the bigger world. and i ask of u to do the same. to go out and experience more of life, to enrich your life. till out paths cross again, you will always be my best friend....

God bless u my dearest one...


april, two thousand five.

Me: huh... my results are not very good leh, i think i'm stupid..
Uncle: poor results doesnt mean stupid what !?!
Me: huh.. what if someone worked very hard and still get poor results ?!?! not stupid        then what ?
Uncle: haha studies not important, must know how to make money
Me: =_= ( totally switched the topic, sigh )

I wasnt terribly disappointed when i checked my results the other day.. but the fact that grades are relative and to realise that 3Bs, 1B- and 1C (cap 3.1) is actually quite insignificant, is depressing.. hahaha i need a paradigm shift.. maybe CK's preaching - "results are not impt.... results are not impt..." hahaha

ANYWAY i'm not affected now la.. i'm really happy for all my friends who did well, CHEERS !! .. and for thoes who didnt do that well, we'll work harder together next year, YAYS !! ..


Oh mermer just taught me how to upload my pictures here.. haha and she was so kind - never fail to highlight how accident prone i am.. hmmm now my target is to hit 10 in one day and then i'll get something right ??? Maybe i'll be dead after the 5th lar... Sigh i actually busted my head twice before because i was msging while walking..

Shall share some pictures later

My dear friend prompted me to blog.. I'm sorry I havent been but I've been wanting to.. Soo

Later today, I will be going back to work.. Havent been back since school started.. I really hope it wouldnt be like the last time.. Dont wish to be given such huge responsibities again.. Perhaps not this time.. hahaha I'm told that I'll be chopped down into pieces if I still dont go back to work..

Ok let me brief you on my job scope...
Every morning, I have to check the previous night's delivery.. then after which I'll be given a list of cars that need to be completed for the day.. I then have to lias with our overseas partner/supplier, make orders and ensure that they are able to cope with our demand.. I'll have to revise the list if needed, in accordance to the supply.. After finalising, I'll let the rest know about the day's schedule so that they can start work.. (cant afford to make any mistake here)
It's better in the afternoon because I'll be either collecting or returning cars, fetching people around, running errands... Sometimes, I'll have to call up debtors, prepare statements and consolidate invoices.

Alright lets see how it goes later.. oh yea! but this time I'm granted to work only on alternate days (for one week that is).. I felt bad about it because I know I should be more commited. But then again I really need time for myself and time with my friends...

Hmm I've really enjoyed the holidays so far... Everyday is blissful..

Haha ok lately i'm becoming more auntish.. Cant stand myself sometimes.. hmmm must be bad.. oh i mean good influence.. But seriously gossiping can be really fun, at least I'm not so deprived now. Oh yea I visited FarEast Plaza for the first time in my life. What a bohemian place!

Alright I really need to go to bed.. sorry for the uninteresting blog.. Haha just too sleepy.. Thanks for reading..

Check this out !!!! Ok i have decided to revamp my blog.. no more deeeeeeeEErxineeep thoughts and stuffs like that.. i told u i hate to speak like a thinker or a philosopher and it applies to blogging to. Firstly i dont wish to burden my readers and secondly i was so inspired by my good friend, mermer, and her blog, and i realised the importance of reflecting my every day happenings in my blog. It really serves as a very good memory lane,not to mention a well organised resource for thoes hungry stalkers out there ( haha as if there's any ).. and yah for you guys who doesnt know about mermer she is supposedly the mascot for the our Singapore Biennale 2006, according to our dearest mermer.
 
Ok i've thought of a few things that i wanted to blog today... for people who know me well, i have to admit that i've been spilling drinks my entire life. (sorry to the victims) From fastfood paper cups, tea cups in timsum restuarants, bottles, cans, glasses... u name it, i've spilled it. So everyone around me have gotten used to my clumsiness over the years. But I was trying sooo hard not to reveal this spastic side of me in front of my aki sch mates. Anyways i've failed. Last week was like the start of this cursed chain reaction that i cant seem to stop it now. I think mermer's blurness is infectious. First was green tea, and then red bull and then green tea again (contributed by the leftovers of mermer's tsktsktsk) and then when i was trying to salvage for some used materials in one of thoes crates in front of studio, an unsightly stream of coffee ( it's damn erxin ) just leak out from dont know where and everyone was like staring at me giving me "tsktsktsk" look. argh!! And even today, i almost drowned my own lappy. Now everyone knows why i always have this super adsorbant car wash towel around me...  ok enough I shall not mention about the scale bar incident in this post...

This week is supposed to be the mugging week. I dont know why i feel like i'm suffering from post dangue gastric depression again.. sleeping endlessly.. dont feel hungry without food for the entire day. So unlikely of me!!... zupzupzup haha alright i'm going back to studio to check out my lappy and camera.. I'm dying to go on a photo taking trip...

 

submission....crit....review...... I have never seen studio, the way i am seeing it now. It makes me wonder if things will still be the same on monday... Will anyone be at the light-box tml ? Time passes so quickly, too quickly. The realisation of my incapability to capture those moments and live them forever, cast me into a realm of hopelessness. Uncertainties of the future frighten me. Please... I've grown to be so attached, don't forsake me... Dont let me be empty...

I am exhausted. I miss my pastimes. I have to rethink my priorities and responsibilities. I am confused. I cant grasp the situation. I dont quite understand myself. I dont understand my life. I feel sometimes I am being selfish. I really cant help but live with guilt. I want to be embraced by love and joy, not work. I want to embrance work with love and joy. I am diluted, day by day. I need a paradigm shift. I want to be free from this vicious cycle. I hope everything were much simpler. I wish to be enlightened. After watching "My Architect" by Nat. Kahn. I dont want a life like Louis Kahn's. He made so much sacrifices for his passion. It seemed uncontrollable, or rather plain selfishness. I wonder if there is a balance.

I hate to talk as a kind of thinker or philosopher, but this is my sense, purely as a reflection of the kind of work I am asked to do. Please do not mistake me. Each and every one of us do possess a unique set of ablities, qualities bestowed upon us. Not to be underestimated. Judging of people becomes relative, not absolute. Relativitiy is conditional upon context. Please do not mistake me.

"memories seep through my vein, let me be empty, weightless, and maybe i'll find some peace tonight..." A restful voice and tune, perfectly veiled this dangerous agenda. The connotation of death to be read by someone who has internalised this literature. Everything shall be put to an end. I was reflecting on the earlier part of this song and my capabilities. Tracing the images from the path that I've chosen which brought me here. Perhaps there isn't another better way to put it then mere compliance to my destiny. Nevertheless the path ahead is always indefinite. Designing is fun, sometimes a torment. But never a chore. Just like writing. And expressing. I wish to be better. Better as a person, as a student, as a friend, most importantly as a son. I love my family the most, but the least of time spent with them. I'm guilty and hopeless. I wish to be better.